SUMMER SCHOOL: FLIRTING 101

Hey, there Trainers!

Sorry that I have been missing in action lately. But as you are aware, this is the Trainers Hunting Season… Yes, ladies. The month of June is spent going over all of those applications that you received over the winter and taking your horses out for a trot around the Town Square!

I want to thank all of the Trainers who hit me up on the side commending me on the wonderful advice that I have given them when training their mules. I wonder why y’all heifers don’t show a sistah some love through comments, but one of my future trainers explained to me that she doesn’t want it to be known that she is living the fab BBW Trainer lifestyle because her man might figure out that HE was HER horse and in the process of being trained. Damn shame but I respect her gangsta all the same.

Anyhow, I was making my way to work this morning, being dropped off by my brother, another one of my horses (YES, LADIES… THE MALE FAMILY MEMBERS ARE HORSES TOO! THIS WILL BE EXPLAINED IN A LATER BLOG SO STAY TUNED…) Anyway, my brother dropped me off and I went inside my favorite breakfast spot so a sister could get her Iced Coffee and Red Bull (Two definite necessities for a Trainer constantly on the go with very little sleep.).

I step up to place my order with the cute little Mexican I flirt with practicing my Espanol, ordering my breakfast in the language he can comprehend (NOTE: flirting with the cook is a plus because he will make sure your food is perfect and even throw an extra slice or two of bacon on that roll for a bitch just to make you happy. ) After placing my order, I proceed to the back of the store to pick up my Red Bull and see this White dude standing by the refrigerator. Now, a sister had a White horse before so she is familiar with this breed. This brute was tall, had a long flowing mane of blonde hair and a goatee. He was fyne! Anyone who knows me will tell you that I find myself attracted to this breed of the White mule the most, the Blonde haired Brad Pitt species. Don’t act like your asses don’t know! 

Seeing this fine specimen, the trainer kicks in and I begin my approach… as fate would have it, he is standing directly in front of the Red Bulls.

I say sweetly, ”Excuse me, could you pass me a Red Bull?”

He turns and says, “Which one?”

“The big one.” (I know, I’m a mess!)

We then proceed to talk about which is better, Red Bull or the cheaper Arizona energy drink. (Who gives a fuck?!)

End result… Nothing. Grabbed my shyt and left

But I did enjoy the view…

The point ladies is even the construction worker, greasy-haired , tattooed big “Dan from Roseanne”-looking hillbilly can be a potential horse.

The main point I wanted to express with this post is to FLIRT… It doesn’t matter the mule looks like. If its on two legs, can hear, speak and has a dick… Its Flirt-able!

Laters,

Thyckk

LADIES… MEET THE HORSES!

I realized something today. I have often blogged about my capers with my horses but I have never introduced them. So, I’ve decided to introduce you to the horses in my stable. But first, a few tips.

Trainers, The trick is… all of the horses must know about each other. They must also be a willing member of the stable. Because under no circumstances do you want a horse that doesn’t want to be kept. They’ll just kick, buck, and tear up your barn. Who needs that shyt? Besides, there’s just too many motherfuckas out there that would gladly be a part of your stable. Why stress?

Especially, if the word has gotten out that you have the reddest, juiciest apples… YUM!

So, without further ado, here are my horses in order of importance:

Stall 1: MR. DRED- Now Mr. Dred has been with me the longest. He is a tall brute who will always have a place in the stable. For he was my number one horse for a long time, before there was a stable and the reason why I have the little mule I have now, LIL’ DRED. Now Mr. Dred and I did not always get along. He used to be a shiftless mofo who didn’t want to carry any load, eat all day and fart. That motherfucka had to go! There was a time when that fucker kicked me and he was cast out into the wild. He spent some time on another farm and sired another mule on someone elses’ farm. But, after careful consideration and alot of healing. Mr. Dred and I made peace with each other because he realized his role and what exactly he needed to do to maintain the farm and Lil’ Dred. Therefore, he will always have a place in the stable. I couldn’t kick that bastard out if I tried. Lil’ Dred wouldn’t let me.

Stall 2. MR. CHOCO-  Now, the only reason why Mr. Choco is not number one is because he was not bred to produce a mule while on my farm. Mr. Choco is by far the best steed that I have in the fold. He is trustworthy, honest, and strong. Whenever there is a heavy loasd to be carried, That’s the horse your ass wants to call! He’s always around to lend a hoof and motivates the other horses to carry their load. By choice or by force. To say that Mr. Choco is the enforcer on the farm would be correct. He commands respect and will settle for nothing less… Ahhh… my hero! (But a fucking horse just the same)

Stall 3. MR. ED: Now, you were briefed on Mr. Ed in a previous blog. He has been allowed back into the fold after behaving badly. Now, I have to keep Mr. Ed and Mr. Choco’s stalls far apart. Because they have in the past engaged in fisticuffs. so, one is on one end, one on the other. Mr. Ed is harmless. A punk, if you will. but Mr. Ed can drive and will take a bytch anywhere she commands. He follows instruction quite well and is often always complimenting you time and time again. Most of it is just bullshyt to get a red apple but you have to respect his game just the same. 

Stall 4. MR. HEIME: Mr. Heime is a horse of a rare international breed. He is a Peruvian Horse which is imported from Israel. Quite a mix, huh? Well, Mr. Heime has proven himself to have great potential. I am still feeling my way around this horse but he seems to show great consideration for the other horses and fares how well they are doing. Now, at first a bytch was concerned. I mean, in case you didn’t know this, there is a sweetened horse in the stable. (See next horse). And he is an import. So I have my eyes on this mofo. If I catch him sucking Sugarfoot’s cock , I will do more than shoot his ass. I’ll castrate his sweet ass.

Stall 5: SUGARFOOT: Notice I left the “Mr.” title off of his name because to add it would be an insult. You see, Sugarfoot is a D-I-V-A!!! I’m talking two snaps and a motherfucking swirl! He was ashamed of his sweetness until him and I went on a long ride and made peace with each other. We are now like sistahgurls! Heeeeyyyy!!! But I have to watch this sweet beast. He knows of the other’s and would like nothing more than to recruit within my stable. So, he is constantly watched and accounted for. I also have to keep distance between him and Mr. Choco who hates pillowbiters. Sugarfoot can stay. He’s an excellent horse to take shopping but he very rarely wants to get his hands dirty. So, I have a feeling that his days are numbered. Until then… I’M WATCHING YOU AND MR. HEIMIE!

Stall 6: ?????????????: This stall used to belong to Mr. Snuggle until he was put down, poor useless bastard. (See previous blog) So, this slot is open! NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS!!!!

Well, now you have met the horses… I’ll keep you posted on their progress.

Laters!

Thyckk

Differences: Stallions and Horses- A MUST READ FOR ALL BEGINNER TRAINERS

Ok… I think I may have put the cart before the horse (no pun intended). So, I have once again borrowed from my Teacher’s blog to school the beginners on what exactly a trainer should know about Horses and Stallions.

PAY CLOSE ATTENTION… For these are the words of the Master Trainer & Breeder, Constant Truth:

“Many of you have asked that I explain what is a stallion/steed and its difference from the horses. The following should give you each an insightful clear understanding of the definition of a stallion and horse… 

We are all clear that there are 2 types of males we encounter as women today: DOG & PIG…

I also told you previously that I am convinced Michelle Obama was fortunate enough to encounter and snatch up the last “stallion,” as I am almost certain this breed is nearly extinct.

There was an era when men were men. They lived by their word and practiced a creed that gave foundation to their meager existence and meaning to their day to day obligation to live. A time when men where taught to be the head of the body; to be gentle without being passive; to be compassionate & tender without over-emotion {as women tend to be overwhelming with their emotions}; he was taught to be strong without bullying; how to earn a decent living by doing good works to provide the means for which he and his fold could sustain, survive and multiply in an ever changing environment. During these times when the men flock was flourishing, men would become husbands taking a wife to shelter, feed, clothe, love, and build with. Men would give half of themselves {including their worth} to their women and keep half for himself to ensure the home as well as all its necessities were tended to so his rule as head of his own would reign for his actions were evidence that he upheld his duty as MAN.

In those days the pride of a man was his home, wife, children and faith. What a man spoke, he did; what he could not express, he manifested in action; and when all else failed, the wit of his mind coupled with the skill of his hand as well as the gentleness of his heart earned him respect for he would walk with his head held high, eyes to the sky toward a better day. He would strive to progress against any odds and defeat any enemy that would bring his family harm. From his youth responsibility, obedience and discipline were daily exercises he learned that would carry him through until the end. 

It is from this old tale of men that the stallion analogy is born of. What you would have 5 horses to do, be it plowing the land by providing the means for you to get by, carrying your loads, wagon or child or even the pleasure of riding with/without a saddle, you would do or get from a stallion/steed. For it is true, that what one man could do in times past you must now enlist more males/horses to get it done, often enough if you want it done correctly you best do it yourself as the man-race is scarce.

Anyway, one look at a stallion and even at first glance the animal stands out from any other brute in the meadow; chiseled features, muscular physique and the size of his balls are first to catch the eye, then one must take note of the power defined in his hind legs, the coordination of his fore legs, the strength in his structure and the height of his frame. As one draws neigh attention is diverted to the small light of intelligence that dances in the beast’s eyes; that intelligence allows the stallion to incorporate/apply the man tendencies lost in the age we exist. These lovely creatures would do what a man once did: able to provide necessary provisions for the well being of his fold, plow three times the land that a simple horse would exhaust himself and the lot to complete. Like times of old the steed bows in the presence of a lady, carries her burdens as his own, he his content with her affections as she has touched and tended to him as she would her own, his loyalty bind him to nature and its true form. When times are rough, when weakness befalls thee and loneliness overcomes the inner depths of your heart it would be he to lean on. The Stallion would lift you up on high and carry you far; his zest for life compels you to ride him often & long together cultivating the land and multiplying the fold. The Stallion/Steed would check all the other horses and command respect from any other animal inhibiting the barn; he would rise with the rooster and chase the stars in the twilight if it must. 

Many of us take on more than one horse/male type to do what 1 MAN used to do. Now you need a few to pay the many bills, put food on the table, fix the leak or patch a hole, even for sex as 1 no longer pleases the growing desires of our need and want. A STALLION AS MAN ONCE COULD, CAN ACCOMPLISH ALL OF THESE AND MORE.

I trust you each fare well with these honest insights and analogies as I hope you put it to good use.

Be well until next time…”

Phase I-The Application Process for Prospective Horses for the Stable

OK, Trainers. I just received this from my teacher, Master Trainer Constant Truth. I am reproducing the application with her blessing to share the knowledge and wisdom that goes into being a successful breeder and trainer. Trainers, feel free to give referrals to this blog page for direction and instruction.

 

 

RULES: THOSE CHOSEN WILL COMPLETE THE FIRST PHASE OF THE PROCESS WITH A FIRST TROT {DATE}, at the end of which you will receive another application to begin the second phase of the application process…

 

 

 

APPLICATION 1:

Names:

Birth Certificate:

____________________________________

Street Alias: __________________________________

________________________________________________

Family Pet Names: ______________________________

________________________________________________

Date of Birth (include full year): ___________________________________

Contact Information:

Primary : _____________________________________

Secondary : ___________________________________

Home : ________________________________________

Work : ________________________________________

Who is your emergency contact person:_________________________________________

How many children do you have?: ________________________________________________

How many women gave birth to those children?: _______________________________________________

Do you possess homo-sexual tendencies?: _________

Bi-sexual experiences?: _________________________________________________

How often are you tested for HIV and other STDs?: _________________________________________

Have you ever been incarcerated/locked up in jail?: ______________________________________

How many times?: ____________________________

Are you a rapist? Murderer? Child Molester?: _____________________________________________

What addictions do you have?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What is your primary income?: _________________________________________________

Side hustles?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Describe your relationship with your mother?: _______________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Why did your last relationship fail?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

How much time do you spend with your children?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

If you do not have children explain why?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What was the span of time of your longest relationship?: _________________________________

What can you offer that I can not provide for myself?: _______________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

How will you multiply my “fold” so to speak?: ________________________________________________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

What is an ideal date with you?: _______________

________________________________________________

________________________________________________

Why should your application be taken seriously?: _________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What goals have you achieved?: _________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

What goals are you striving for?: ______________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

_________________________________________________

Welcome Back, Mr. Ed!

Trainers,

Occasionally, you have a mule in your stable who does not know how to behave. The mutherfucka won’t work, he just takes up a stall and does absolutely nothing. Therefore, a trainer has one of two choices, put that mutherfucka down and make yourself a couple of pocketbooks and belts with his otherwise useless ass or you turn him out into the wild.

Well, I had a horse, one we shall call Mr.Ed that I had to turn into the wild.Well, even though this horse was turned away, he still never strayed from the farm. He would pop up from time to time and seek out my red apples and on occasion, I had to get my rifle and send out a warning shot to chase him away.Well, this horse is stubborn! He always was and he was very persistant. Actually, I found it downright annoying.

But I had to admire Mr.Ed’s zeal. So, after consideration, and enough begging on his part, I decided to let Mr.Ed back onto the farm. But he is far from being back in the stable. He has land to work and standards to meet. Maybe then, he can get a stall but that is a long way coming. You see, there are no more slots. So unless I put another one down or turn another one into the wild, his ass is sleeping out in the field.He doesn’t mind though. That motherfucka is just happy to be back on the farm! Trainers, if you decide to bring a cast off back, don’t invite him back into your stall right away! After all, YOU DON’T KNOW WHERE HE HAS BEEN! Send his ass to the vet, make sure his balls are clean check his teeth for bugs and make sure he is infection free!

After all, you don’t want him infecting the other horses, now do you?!

Welcome back, Mr. Ed… You better know your role!

Laters!

Thyckk

Trainers: Watch Those horses, Bytches: On Your Mark!

Ok… it seems like Mother Nature is going to smile down on us and give us an early spring. the clocks went back earlier, there is more daylight and hours in the day…

More time for these mules to act the fool!

So I have a bit of advice to give to all of those females who were dumb enough to open up your doors and let that mule back in and give up the ass while Old Man Winter blew in for a couple of months…

BEWARE! Its almost HUNTING SEASON and we all know what hunting season brings with it… A whole lot of mules on the prowl looking for fresh pussy, a new place to lay their head and a new bitch to help line their pockets.

First, I’ll start with the TRAINERS:  Now, trainers are already in the possession of a few mules and if she’s lucky, a few horses. Now, we all know that there are bitches that love to take their clothes off. As soon as the weather reaches fifty-five degrees, You start to see cleavage, ass and thighs. The skirts go up and the tits come out. This is easy bait for your horse to wander from your stall into another trainers..

Trainers, if you have a good hold on your horses and you are keeping your shyt tight, then you have nothing to worry about. But for all others who has that one fucking mule that refuses to pull the plow, that one mutherfucka that you have to constantly look for to find his ass grazing somewhere else on the land, I’m talking to you. LISTEN UP.

If you find that this mule is worth it, then you are going to have to put in a little extra work. Let’s just say that he is stupid as all hell but he can put it down in the bedroom or he’s the one that comes through when you are a little short on the bills, then you have to give him some extra focus to keep him around. After all, if a thoroughbred walked into your yard  mistakenly, would you be so eager to return him to his owner? HELL NO!

Now for the single bytches holding it down… before you invite him in for the Summer fling, as yourself, WHERE HAS THIS MUTHERFUCKA SPENT HIS WINTER?!

Do your investigation and make sure that he is clean and clear and worthy of being added to your stable. Who wants some other woman’s left overs. Find out the reason why he is still single. no one wants a loser and make sure that he is sincere in his approach. If he “hey baby”‘d you, then chances are he did it to 100 other bytches that same afternoon.

Oh, and make sure he pays like he weighs…

No romance without finance… Ya heard!

TRAINERS: mind your horses… keep a watchful eye out for them!

BYTCHES: get on your mark! Their game has gotten tighter. Have yours just as tight!

Laters!

Thyckk

Horses and the Fucking MTA

ALL RIGHT…I’m aware that we all have to get around this city. New York is a busy town and we all depend on the MTA to get our asses from place to place. But lately, a bytch been seeing some shyt that is just downright ridiculous.Now, a bytch has to get to work everyday so the bus and the trains are a necessity. But I do not pay two fuckin dollars to be squuezed up next to some funky ass mule who doesn’t know how to used soap and water and know his fuckin role.So a bytch had to come up with some rules for all you fuckin mules who have yet to be turned into horses. The fuckin rules are as follows:

1. It wouldn’t hurt you motherfuckas to once in a while give up your seat to an old ass lady. Bad enough you got your ass sitting in the front of the bus like a duffus with your big ass knees stretching into the aisle. But the least you can do is give up your seat to the elderly!

2. It would not hurt either to let a woman get her ass on the bus before you. Why you gotta push a sister out the way? So you can get the fucking single seat to look out the window like a fucking bitch? Dumb ass!

3. Last and most importantly… DON’T GET YOUR BIG ASS ON THE BUS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR AND TRY TO HOLLA AT THE SISTAHS ON THE BUS THAT ARE CLEARLY ON THEIR WAY TO WORK!!! You obviously aint got no fuckin money, why would a working bytch want your ass?! Mutherfucker, you don’t even have $2.00!!!

KNOW YOUR ROLE, MULES BEFORE RIDING THE MTA!!!!!

Sugardaddies.com

So, I’m on MySpace (The Barn), checking in on my horses when I see this link pop up on my screen.

As usual, I move my mouse to the “X” button to close the shyt out when I actually read the advertisement…

“SUGARDADDIES.COM: Wealthy and Gorgeous”

WHAT THE FUCK?! Are they for real?!

Who in there right mind would sign up for that shyt?! I mean, I know some rich, dumb fucking horses but to sign up and admit to the world that you are rich loser?!

I can just see the dumb fuckin’ horse now…” Hey everyone, I’m a stupid fucking loser with all this damn money! Let me find a good looking gold digging skank to her me spend some of this shyt! At least I won’t be alone!”

I have heard of some dumb shit but this takes the cake!

Now, me being the curious person that I am, I clicked on the link to see, just what kind of horses are on here… (A rich horse is as good as a poor horse…) Then these dumb motherfuckers got the nerve to post, “I’m looking for love.”

What?! You got to be kidding me!

After seeing this shyt, This leads me to believe now more than ever that these horses want to be whipped, used abused and trained.

Dumb horse motherfuckers and the gold-diggers who love them!

Sadie Hawkins Day… Yeah, Right!

SOMEONE TOLD ME THAT TODAY IS SADIE HAWKINS DAY… WHICH MEANS THAT WOMEN CAN ASK MEN TO MARRY THEM TODAY AND ITS SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.

NOW, I’M NOT THAT BYTCH TO BE KNEELING AND PROPOSING TO NO MUTHERFUCKIN MAN! BUT I WANTED TO TEST THE THEORY… SO I SENT TEXT “PROPOSALS” TO ALL OF THE MEN LISTED IN MY CELLPHONE.

WHY DID A BYTCH GET 10 FUCKIN HORSES CALL BACK ON SOME “ARE YOU SERIOUS”, HOPEFUL SHYT?!

MY RESPONSE…

“FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!”

AFTER ALL, WHO THE FUCK EVER HEARD OF A WOMAN MARRYING A MOTHERFUCKIN HORSE?!

KNOW YOUR ROLE, MULE!

Kicked By A Fuckin’ Horse!

ONE OF THOSE MUTHERFUCKIN’ MULES KICKED MY ASS TODAY…

I HAD TO DO LIKE A BREEDER DOES WHEN ONE OF HIS HORSES GETS OUT OF LINE…

I HAD TO PUT THAT MUTHERFUCKER DOWN!

LET THAT BE A LESSON TO ALL THOSE FUCKIN’ MULES OUT THERE…

FUCK WITH A BYTCH AND YOU GET YOUR ASS SHOT!!!

NOW THERE ARE THREE SLOTS OPEN…

I’M MORE SELECTIVE NOW WHO COMES INTO MY STABLE.

COME CORRECT… OR I’LL WEAR YOUR ASS ON MY SHOULDER LIKE THE FUCKIN’ PURSE THAT YOU WERE MADE INTO!

BELIEVE DAT HOT SHYT!!